Paris Hilton's Tainted Goods Are Back on the Market [Gossip Roundup]

Paris Hilton dumps her toolish boyfriend, Shia LaBeouf issues a statement to let everyone know he's not boning his mother, Victoria Beckham's nipples tour London, Jessica Alba is under investigation for vandalism, and Jeremy Piven preaches about mercury poisoning.

• After dropping hints that she might be marrying him this summer, Paris Hilton dumped Douglas Reinhardt after they got into a huge fight at a club in Hollywood on Tuesday night after he was making the rap with another girl or something. Her friends are said to be quite pleased about this, saying that Doug was "a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." Poor Paris. When will she ever find true love? [Sun]
  
  
• Shia Labeouf thinks that it's "so freaking outrageous" that some dirty-minded people out there actually think that he has sex with his mother. He wants everybody to know that they only give each other handjobs. [The Hot Hits]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham pranced around London wearing a see-through blouse, seemingly unaware that her boobies were in plain view. So if you've ever wanted to see her breasticles, follow the link. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Alba is being investigated by police in Oklahoma City on vandalism charges for splattering posters of dead sharks all over town or something. [Yahoo]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is set to sing today for the first time since losing her mind during the run of Britain's Got Talent. No word on whether or not she'll be holding her cat Pebbles while she performs to keep her sane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven is back in town douching it up all over the place, but he's still making time to warn everyone about the horrors of mercury poisoning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West and his ex, Amber Rose, have been spending a lot of time together. She even showed up at his birthday party at the Spotted Pig the other night. [Page Six]
  
  
• It looks as though Katie Holmes will be appearing on the next season of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance. Tom is going to be so jealous! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Heather Graham's nipples are quite the sight to behold popping out of that lovely blue dress darling. Not exactly Victoria Beckham territory, but still—Wow. [Dlisted]